For nine long months you carried me,

Sometimes with discomfort, sometimes with pain.

Then you birthed me,

and your life was never the same.

You gave me so many of your special gifts.

You nurtured me until I grew into a little girl.

You taught me so many amazing things,

And you helped me with the lessons

that I came to learn.

Sometimes I felt that you did not love me.

Now I know that was not your task,

But to show me

that I need to find the love I seek inside.

Sometimes I felt I was not good enough for you,

So I did everything I could to try to please you,

Because if I could make you happy, maybe, maybe

 You might ‘love’ me just the way I wanted you to.

 According to my own needy demands,

 so I might feel worthy—

 For I foolishly depended on you for my self-esteem.

I interpreted some of the things you said

 as evidence

 Of my belief that I would never measure up.

 There was a time that I held it against you.

 Now I know that my self-esteem

 Was never your responsibility, but mine!

Sometimes I criticized you

 in defense of what I feared to hear,

 Or to mask the guilt and shame

 I carried deep inside of me

 For some of the things I did, or things I did not do.

 Now I see that what I interpreted

 as the critic in you

 Was only a mirror that you held up

 for me to look into,

 And that those very things I did not like in me

 Were the very things I judged you for.

 Now I thank you for showing me

 Those parts of me that I disowned.

I truly thank you now!

 For our misunderstandings were the catalyst

 For the beginning of my quest for self-discovery.

 In replaying the tapes of our past challenges

 With the new awareness

 that is birthing deep within me now

 Has become a fascinating journey,

 An adventure beyond my wildest dreams

 Which has helped me see the bigger picture

 And understand more clearly

 why we came together

 You and I

 Which in turn is helping me to find

 the love I was always yearning for

 Right here deep inside my own expanding heart.

Bound together by the invisible umbilical cord

 That’s bound mothers and daughters

 since the beginning of time,

 We fought for our freedom

 from each other’s neediness,

 At the same time fighting

 to remain the one in charge.

 This was why we came together, you and I

 To set ourselves free to be

 Who we truly are,

 Regardless of what the other wanted us to be.

 Our task is not to fulfill the other’s need for love

 Or impossible demands for happiness.

This growing understanding

 of why we came together

 Has given me the freedom to now Be Who I Am

 And the courage to write this poem for you.

 I am truly grateful, dearest mother of mine.

 I thank you, for your gift of being my mirror,

 My partner in mime,

 my primary teacher this life-time.

 

I thank you for the strength and the courage

 That you have given me

 to get to where I am right now,

 For the courage that I have witnessed in you

 During the challenges

that you have faced in your own life

Has truly been an inspiration to me.

You have always faced them with such dignity,

 And I know that you have inspired many others

 For they have told me many times.

 Even if, during my critical times,

 I could not understand why,

 I do now

So, thank you for showing me how.

 

Now I no longer blame you

or me for things that happened in the past

 Nor anyone else—for they were only lessons

 That I needed to learn for my own evolution.

 Those whom I once saw as tormentors

 I now acknowledge as my greatest teachers.

Likewise, I forgive myself for the mistakes I made.

They were truly my biggest lessons,

 For what they taught me was that

 At the root of everything I experience

 Lies the truth that unless I truly love

 and accept myself,

 There is no way I could ever love

 and accept another

 Not even my own mother!

 

Sometimes I catch myself doing the things

 I once accused you of,

 Or sometimes in a look or stance,

Sometimes in the way I hold my head,

 Or something I have just said,

 Or when I allow anxiety to rise

 I have this weird feeling that it is you,

 And sometimes your mother too.

 

That will happen for me more as I grow older,

 So I want you to know as you prepare to step over

 That I set you free of all the expectations

 That I once held.

 I let you go in peace,

 with only true love in my heart,

 For I know, now, that I can never ‘lose’ you,

 For wherever my life takes me now

 I will always carry a piece of you within me,

 Not only in the genes that you have given me

 But also right here

 in my warm and mushy heart.

 

So, please go and sleep on this tonight,

 And know that I now see things very differently,

 And that I will love you

 from the bottom of my heart

Always—no matter where you are—

 For of all the women of this world,

 You, and only you,

 Had the gifts to be the perfect mother for me

 in this lifetime!

 

Christina Nienaber-Roberts

 17 June 2002

 The anniversary of the day my mother gave birth to me

This is an excerpt from the first of Christina’s books: Messages of Love – Stories Around a Mother’s Passing It is currently self-published and can be purchased from her directly, at $12 per copy or $20 for the set, with the companion book being Be Who You Are – Messages from a Father’s Life and Passing. They are both listed, with reviews, in Resources and can be purchased directly from Christina.

 The accompanying photographic image was taken straight after sprinkling my mother’s ashes in the Botanical gardens in Pietermaritzburg, South Africa, where she had lived the second part of her life and it graces the cover of the book Messages of Love.